ASK DANI 💑🏿
My Weekly Advice Column, but make it slightly unhinged...
Q: How do you be unhinged when you spot potential at church or work… where you have to see them again?
First of all, let’s define “unhinged.”
Because we are not talking about reckless. We are talking about strategically unfiltered.
Just enough to shift the energy. Not enough to get you reported to HR or the prayer team.
And the way you do that is not by becoming someone new; it’s by leading with your superpower.
Step 1: Identify your dating superpower
Everyone has one. In dating, you are usually strongest in one of three areas:
THE CONVERSATIONAL SNIPER - Banter (Make Him Curious)
THE SILENT KILLER - Aura (Make Him Nervous)
CONTROLLED CHAOS - Certified Organic Unhinged (Make Him Laugh)
If you misidentify your lane, you will look awkward BUT if you lean into your lane, you will be magnetic and the mistake people make is trying to copy someone else’s style.
If you are not a banter girl and you suddenly start trying to be witty and rapid-fire funny… you will look nervous.
If you are not an aura girl and you’re trying to be mysterious and quiet… you will look disengaged.
If you are not unhinged by nature and you start saying wild things… you will look… unstable.
So first, know yourself.
Step 2: Add a touch of unhinged to your strength
Not a full personality shift…
Juuuust a twist.
If you’re a banter girl:
You win through conversation.
So your version of unhinged is saying something slightly left-field and letting it sit.
Example:
“Oh you work here? Good, I need to know your schedule so I can decide how often to accidentally run into you.”
Then just… smile.
Don’t over-explain. Don’t laugh it off too hard.
Let him sit in it. Measure his reaction. Then when he responds, let your conversational superpower play out!
Risk: over-performing, trying too hard to be “on”
If you’re an aura girl:
You don’t need to say much.
Your presence does the work. Your power is in how you carry yourself. The pauses. The eye contact. The fact that you’re not rushing to fill silence.
Your version of unhinged is contrast, aka breaking character once.
Example:
You’ve been calm, composed, slightly mysterious…
and then you randomly say:
“I feel like you’re trouble, but I’m still deciding if it’s the kind I enjoy.”
Then go right back to normal and let him sit in that.
That contrast will do more than a full performance ever could.
Because nervousness is attraction’s cousin.
Another Example:
“I feel like you’re either very sweet… or very dangerous. I haven’t decided yet.”
Risk: coming off cold or uninterested
If you’re naturally unhinged:
You are the wildcard. You say things other people think but would never actually say.
And when done correctly, it works because it’s unexpected and self-aware.
Your job is not to be chaotic. It’s to be delightfully unpredictable.
Example:
“It feels like meeting you is either divine timing… or another lesson in character development. I can’t wait to find out…”
Delivered calmly. Not like you’re about to make a life-altering decision.
Laughter is your entry point, sis.
Risk: no filter → HR violation
Approach Ideas (Direct → Indirect)
“I’m going to say hi before I overthink it.”
“Hi. I think you might be interesting. So I’m investigating.”
“I feel like you’d be fun to talk to. Let’s test it.”
“I don’t do this often… but you seem worth the exception.”
“I’m not 100% sure why I walked over here… but you know what? I trust myself.”
“You seem like you come with a story… and I like stories.”
“You looked like you had something to say. I came to confirm.”
“I’m trusting my instincts coming over here… so don’t embarrass me.”
My personal favorite: “I love your _______ (fill in the blank… hair, outfit, etc)… My group chat is going to love you. I can already tell.”
How to actually deliver this (this matters more than the line)
Say it once. Then stop talking.
No rambling. No explaining. No immediately softening it with a joke.
Let it land. Because the power is not in the line.
It’s in the fact that you said it… and were comfortable enough to stand in it.
Step 3: Respect the environment (this matters)
Church and work are not Hinge.
You cannot disappear. You cannot ghost. You will see this person again.
So your goal is not to “shoot your shot” in a dramatic way. It’s to create a moment. A spark.
Something that lingers just enough for them to laugh about it right before they head to sleep that night.
The real key
Unhinged works when it feels intentional. Not when it feels like you’re trying too hard. And definitely not when it feels like you’re performing. And most importantly… NOT when it feels like you’re abandoning yourself.
Final thought
You don’t need to be the most interesting person in the room. You just need to be the most specific.
Because specificity feels intentional. It signals that you know what you’re doing, that you chose this moment, that you’re not just floating through the interaction hoping it lands. It doesn’t feel like you’re trying to be liked. It feels like you chose him to talk to.
And that shifts everything.
Because now he’s not evaluating you. He’s wondering why you chose him.
And confidence is what makes people circle back.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
From a woman who believes in just a little chaos…
All my love,
Danielle
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